By Published On: October 23, 20216.7 min readCategories: Finance Therapy, Narcissists, Relationships

You meet someone new, and you want to impress them, you want them happy. It seems benign until it begins to feel uncomfortable. You feel like you’ve lost yourself, and worse, the people you know and love seem to treat you like a stranger or social pariah.

We are told to be our own person, yet we’re constantly trying to please the other person in relationships. 

You meet someone new, and you want to impress them, you want them happy. 

It seems benign until it begins to feel uncomfortable. 

You feel like you’ve lost yourself, and worse, the people you know and love seem to treat you like a stranger or social pariah.

Maybe you have been with someone for years, and you’ve felt it is time to stop this cycle of self-sacrifice. These habits can not only attract narcissists and flying monkeys (the people that narcissists turn against you, usually your friends and family) but can cause lifelong suffering and fractured relationships with people in your life that you love and trust.

We need to develop a sense of self that isn’t solely based on being perfect for another person. We need to release shame. Shame causes some self-destructive habits that can bring you paramount pain. If you are in a relationship, knee-deep in any one of these habits, you might feel a sense of shame sooner or later.

Shame lifting happens when you can acknowledge your feelings and emotions without letting them define who you are or how others see you. What if, instead of feeling sorry for ourselves, we finally took care of ourselves? I’m not saying that you are in a pity party, by any means. When you have been with or are with a narcissist, and they are turning people against you, you will most likely feel incredibly alone.

Do any of these sound familiar? We feel like we’re not good enough, so we try to be perfect. We live in fear of rejection and abandonment, so we keep people at arm’s length. We avoid conflict at all costs, only to find ourselves resentful and angry. 

If we are with a narcissist or other toxic person who wants to control you, they will seek to isolate and degrade you publicly. They will charm their way into your family and friends, looking for clues that you are not as wonderful as they think. They will sabotage your income, your ability to earn or your financial stability. Money is often a weapon.

What if the key to unlocking the love and avoiding betrayal is found in our willingness to embrace vulnerability?

This blog post will give you three habits that you might not realize that you do, that you need to stop doing right now.

We are afraid of being judged or rejected by others -so instead of opening up, there is a strong sense of isolation that can turn into anger later on—trying your best means never making mistakes which leads us to feel like failures for not achieving perfection. When we do this, we give our partner an automatic unequal power over us, and even if they are reasonably kind, they might show some narcissistic tendencies like getting used to having things their way or seeing you as a doormat. They might get mad at you for being a people-pleaser with others but certainly do not argue that habit when it benefits them. 

A quick disclaimer; I am not saying that you create a bad relationship or narcissist. I am saying that our behaviors and habits learned in other painful relationships or with a narcissist who is grooming us for control might bring up some self-sabotaging patterns.

Relationships can be challenging. We need to learn how to stop doing these three things in relationships that are toxic for both partners, which might turn others against us without realizing it.

Three Habits To Stop ASAP

1)Stop being jealous of what your partner does with their time when they’re not around you, and it’s just a sign of insecurity and jealousy.

It’s natural for you to feel left out when your partner is spending time with someone else. You might even start feeling insecure and jealous that they don’t have as much time for you anymore—but it doesn’t need to be this way. The best thing we can do in these moments of insecurity is taking a deep breath and remind ourselves that “we are enough.” As you practice this, you’ll get confident in the new habit of self-assurance, and even if accused of being jealous, you’ll be able to laugh it off rather than fall into the trap of defending yourself to your friends and family. They will be less apt to believe someone if you are showing no signs of despair. 

2) Stop making excuses for your partner’s behavior, if you have an issue with them, then address the problem, or it will never get better.

I want to address some of the most common excuses people make for their partners’ bad behavior. Some people will say that they are too tired or stressed out and can’t deal with anything else; others might justify it as part of a phase in their relationship; still, other couples might claim there is no problem because both parties know about the issue. The truth is that you cannot wait until your partner gets better at behaving on their own time-you need to be proactive and take care of yourself by addressing the problems head-on. If you make excuses for them, it is a cover-up or lie, and that will make it harder, later on, to let your family and friends know what you have been going through, as they will see the truth as a “mood” or worse, the actual lie.

3) Stop having physical intimacy because you think it’ll keep the other person in the relationship with you – sometimes this is true, but most times it leads to problems down the road, so save yourself any future heartbreak by avoiding intimacy as a way to keep the other person in your life. 

I am using the word “intimacy” here, but it’s anything but that if there isn’t total trust, friendship and respect.

Feeling obligated to be physical is just one way that the toxic person might make you feel shame. There are many ways physical intimacy can be used as manipulation. The critical takeaway is to identify the intent of the person who initiates it and make sure you don’t allow yourself to become their victim. You deserve better than that. The toxic person in your life might even accuse you of leading them on to others, and your own family and friends might assume that you enjoy having a physical relationship with this person if you don’t voice your concerns.

These are three habits that many women partake in because they feel stuck, overwhelmed, and shamed. 

The act of releasing shame and showing vulnerability is critical; this helps you to be more open and truthful to your family and friends. If they already are becoming or are flying monkeys, write them a short letter stating that you are not trying to change their mind but that you want to start fresh, enjoy them in your life, and really would like their help. You might also be struggling with other areas of your life such as your finances, budget, education or job (or both), raising children, or health and wellness. 

They, your family and friends who you love and miss, need to know this, and you can’t make it look like it is all his fault, even if it is.

This is about you getting reconnected only to avoid isolation, build resilience, and reach safety. Make sure you do not “trash” the narcissist in this letter because remember they trust the narcissist right now. Just work on releasing the habits, forgive yourself, lift shame and allow yourself to be vulnerable.

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Michele Paiva

Michele Paiva is a Licensed Psychotherapist, Recovery Coach and Certified Finance Educator, with 30 years experience in helping others to see their true value, and the truth under their trauma, to love themselves and springboard into a full, rich life. Rewrite your money story and take control of your financial and emotional health.

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